Headgear

The first thing anybody needs to know about me is...well hold up a minute there. The first thing anybody needs to know about me is that I'm single and the second that I'm incredibly warm and cuddly and may occasionally do nice things for you, particularly if you're a girl.

But the THIRD thing after that is that

I

LOVE

HATS!

Seriously. Hats embody everything that I am: sometimes practical and reserved, sometimes kooky and zany, and rarely ever more than marginally useful. Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not one of those guys who goes out and buys enough baseball caps to cover the entire world, and maybe Mars' polar ice caps (I actually don't like baseball caps at all). Nono, I look for the interesting hats.

My hat selection generally follows three criteria: does it shield my eyes from the sun wherever I turn? Does it keep my head warm down to my ears? Will it ever go well with a future unspecified and likely last-minute conceived Halloween costume? Ahhh yes, you say, now things make a little more sense.

Now before you judge me, I will have you know that I'm not one of those fashionable people who like to accessori-szh (<-- lame attempt at a valley girl accent). In fact, hats may be responsible for 80-90% of any poor fashion choices I make (100% of which I am blissfully unaware of). But I don't care. I like hats because of how useful they are to me.

Oh, and did I mention I was single and incredibly warm and cuddly and may occasionally do nice things to you, particularly if you're a girl?

Useless

So besides sitting on my bum doing nothing this summer, I was actually moving around a lot. Putting my life into a bunch of cardboard boxes and consequently taking it out again made me realize how much USELESS JUNK I had lying around. I got even more frustrated that my family wanted to KEEP some of this useless junk. This pack rat mentality really got to me and I resolved to throw away everything except what I actually need.

Of course, doing so required that I define what it was that I actually needed in the first place. The pack rat mentality seems to revolve around the fact that the pack rat never really knows what he/she wants in life. So in addition sitting on my bum and undoing all the work I did last year removing the flab off my middle, I sat around and thought about what exactly it is that's important for me. Being a physicist this involved finding first principles and deriving a system from there.

What I realized in my pondering was that there were really only two things that are important to me: the things I want to do, and the people that become important to me along the way.

Now one must understand, this does not mean people are only important to me because I use them; nono, on the contrary, it means you're more important to me if you've stuck by me as I'm trying to do the things I want to do. And maybe some people become more important only in hindsight (such as parents trying to keep you from doing something stupid), but a relationship with that person is a relationship, and you can't throw away those things. People become important to me because they either help me become a better person (which is, consequently, one of the things I want to do) or help me get where I want to go.

Now as for the first part of the conclusion, I've actually come to realize that much earlier. At the risk of sounding cliche, I realized that nothing I want in life can actually be bought for me. Or even, handed to me by someone else. The only things that really make me happy are things I accomplish myself, and that's what I want to work towards. Maybe that means I'll become a workaholic down the road, but I've said this before and I'll say it again: I like what I do.

And so knowing these things, I began to throw away things. Hella things. Got rid of trinkets that were useless. Got rid of things that had just accumulated because I wasn't paying attention. In the process, as I was evaluating how much use each of these material things still had to me, I also began to evaluate the sentimentalities attached to each one and its continued relevance to my life. Memories that have long faded from the mementos that were supposed to preserve them, people that have disappeared from my life despite the continued presence of the gifts that they gave me. It quickly occurred to me that these things kept me looking back at the way things were. If you've read my blog up until now, looking back is the one thing I dislike most. And so, I stripped down my possessions to a bare minimum, those that remind me or help me to do two things: go where I need to go, and respect the people that become important to me on the way there.

One Step At A Time

Nerdiness

Since I have gotten my EECS/Physics simultaneous degree approved, I feel a need to justify this latest act of lunacy on my part. Of course, "justify" isn't exactly the right word. More like, "examine the impulsive reasons behind [action]" In short, I'm doing this ghastly abomination of a double major because I FEEL like it.

First off, I would like to state that I'm a nerd. Many of you are inclined to believe that this is like saying ice melts into water (it's my username for crying out loud). But formalities need to be taken care of. So before we dive into the meat of the discussion, we should formally define this term "nerd" and work from there:

Nerd (pronounced /ˈnɜrd/) is a term often bearing a derogatory connotation or stereotype, that refers to a person who passionately pursues intellectual activities, esoteric knowledge, or other obscure interests rather than engaging in more social or popular activities. Therefore, a nerd is often excluded from physical activity and considered a loner by peers or will tend to associate with like-minded people.

(I, and many others who consider themselves as I do, do not consider the term derogatory. Perhaps it is only derogatory to people who do not consider themselves as nerds. But I digress, and resume the regularly scheduled discussion)

On the first point: I really really really really really like what I do. For all my griping and complaining the past two years, I really enjoyed the things I did. All the all nighters I pulled for my technical classes weren't really terrible: often I did just because I couldn't stop doing it. Call me crazy. Even last semester, when I worked on CS150 20 hours a day for 2 weeks, I was somewhat glad I had an excuse to devote my time to something like that. It is all worth it just to see your designs hum to life, or watch as the equations coalesce into some beautiful statement about the natural world. And yes, that statement was a little bit corny. But I get corny when I really really really really really like things.

What about the rest of the things life has to offer you say? Well, suffice it to say, if I don't know what I'm missing out on, I'm not really all that sad. Now, this is not to say that I abhor socialization and despise people. On the contrary, I love both. But I, like most other people, don't like going out of my way to socialize and make friends. That means since "in my way" involves little social interaction, that leaves me with minimum social connections. This is not entirely distressing to me: I like having only a few good friends to keep up good relations with. Maybe I'll talk about my social philosophies in a later post.

Does all this mean I've found my purpose in life? That I love it so much, I'm willing to exclude myself from a bunch of other things in the meantime? Maybe. At least for the next two years. However, "purpose in life" isn't exactly the term I would use to describe this latest feeling. I just like it. You see, when it comes right down to it, I am an impulsive person. I do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. This is because it is a rare occasion to feel like doing something, particularly if it's productive, and whether or not it is a smart decision is left as a secondary concern. So here's to two more years of weekly all nighters and 20 hour days.

No Regrets

Five Ways to Make David More Attractive to Women

Before too much of this summer gets underway, I'd like to run another checklist on the things I have accomplished so far. You see, last summer I tackled the issue of why, in my 19 years of life (I was 19 then you see), I have never had a girlfriend. In accordance with protocol, I broke down and analyzed my situation, and came up with five different ways to make myself more attractive to women. So before I continue with this summer's program, I think it's useful to assess how far I've gotten in terms of achieving these goals:

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1. Become useful

Part of my analysis told me that I possess neither good looks nor charm, nor am I good in bed (at least, I haven't had a chance to try that out yet. Although common sense tells me that to test that out you gotta get someone IN bed in the first place). These are things that I would have great difficulty improving. However, what I CAN work on is my utility and dependability. Having all sorts of skills makes me thus more marketable to women. So far I've learned how to cook and clean, and do just about everything else about the house. And I'm working on other skills, like carpentry and generic PC maintenance (I AM an EECS major after all...I should know this stuff...). Having many skills gives me a plethora of options with which to be cute to a girl.

I can basically survive pretty well on my own these days, which is another extra marketing point. However, so far the only woman this has made happy is my mother (not that I'm complaining about making my own mother happy).

B+

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2. Figure out what to do with my life

A generic goal, but hey, you look better if you know what you're doing right? I know the general direction I want to go (I really love EECS and Physics), but so far have not been able to live up to my intended goal (professor of EECS at some major research university, or a researcher at a major lab). Still, I have acquired a diverse enough skill set that I can still be "successful" in a lot of other capacities (everyone needs a computer/electronics guy right?).

B/B-

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3. Get social skills

Before you get a lover, shouldn't you get friends? My awkwardness has always been an obstacle for me in this capacity. But what can I do, I'm four years removed from being anti-social; I woke up one day junior year in high school and thought to myself, "damn, not having any friends sucks. I should try to be friendlier" It is no surprise then that I essentially started from scratch and now have the social abilities of a four year old (ok six years old. All those years before have to be worth SOMETHING right?).

Over the past year however, I've been putting myself out there more consistently and, as noted in a previous post, have been worrying less and less about embarassment. I'm also nicer to people, and can even call some of them friends! I suppose it all boils down to confidence. I hear chicks dig that.

C-

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4. SLIM DOWN!

My least favorite item on this list. I always told myself that if being fat weren't unhealthy, I wouldn't mind at all. Being roly poly fits my personality better and hey, being fat helps act as a filter to girls who may not be attracted to my personality. Besides, I have the body of a god anyway. Alas, my lack of other attractive traits has reduced me to working on my physique. So far it's been alright. I've lost a significant amount of weight and am just a wee bit stronger. I've still got a long way to go though.

C-

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5. Learn Guitar

I don't really know why I put this here. I suppose it's to round out the list to 5. Or maybe it's to keep up the image of me as an instrument whore. Or maybe, in true David Clarino fashion, the last thing just had to be something really different and fucking random. Learning Guitar it is.

The guitar as a serenading instrument has since been superseded by this instrument played by someone wearing maybe one of these and/or perhaps a pair of these . That just about puts the sexiness through the roof. But hey, I'm old school, and maybe a bit corny. I got a guitar junior year of high school, and promptly forgot about it until I brought it up to Berkeley for the express purpose of accomplishing #5 on the list of Ways to Make David More Attractive to Women.

And what do I have to show for it? I can strum a C chord. Go Bears.

F----------------------

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OK, so these are terribly useless when it comes to making myself more attractive to women. They're still good for something though. I just like to think all of this will make it easier to get with a girl in the end. So leave me alone. Constructive fantasies are hard to come by.

No Regrets

Conservation Part 1: Cost and Effect

The funny thing about our universe is that it seems to operate on one simple principle: There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch (TANSTAAFL). Everything from the Second Law of Thermodynamics to basic Supply and Demand in Economics points to the fact that to get something, you must give something else. Hell, you can't even get knowledge for free (Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Or college tuition fees). If there truly is a just and fair dude who pulls the strings upstairs, he/she/it must be really clever: because he/she/it set up this universe to assess costs FOR him/her/it.

Of course, fairness is in the eye of the beholder. A girl, for example, may be willing to spend anywhere between $80-$120 on a pretty dress, which she will truthfully only wear a few times, while a guy would balk at spending that much money on any single article of clothing, yet shell out three times as much dough on a gaming system. In the end, the simple question is, "What's it worth to you?". In the former case, it may be the opportunity to hear people say "DAYUM!" for several weeks afterward. In the latter, hours and hours of carefree bliss ignoring the steady list of responsibilities compiling by the wayside.

Money, of course, isn't the only measure of worth. When making decisions, we naturally weigh the costs versus the rewards. Is going to college far away worth not seeing my high school friends everyday? Is taking the bus for free worth the time I would lose had I taken the BART for $2? Even when we feel constrained to make a decision, we are still weighing costs. The statement "I don't have a choice" is really shorthand for "The costs of the alternatives are so unacceptable that I don't even think about them"

The truly liberating moment for me came when I realized the existence of these alternatives. I felt true freedom when I stopped feeling like I have to do something. I don't have to skip out on hanging out with my friends: I can just get 2 hours of sleep that day while I do my homework until 6 AM. I don't have to finish this project before I start studying for the test: I just take a hit on my project grade and study a satisfactory amount for my test. With a little effort, you realize that you had ignored some other acceptable alternatives because you thought the obvious one had the only acceptable result. Slowly, your picture of what's acceptable and unacceptable grows more clear as you assess the consequences of each alternative thoroughly. The question then goes from "Is this the right decision or not?" to a question that is at once easier and harder to answer: "What was it worth?"

I ask myself this question everyday. Contrary to what it seems like, I am not second-guessing myself. Regret is the single most useless human emotion, as it is regressive. In the words of William Adama "You must live with the decisions you make" The decision is in the past, and all you can do is figure out where that has left you. Asking myself what it was worth gives me a better picture of my current situation: what did I get out of it? what did I have to give for it? All this assessment naturally leads to an answer for the next question: what do I do next? Instead of pining about all the different ways I could have done it better, I now assess all the ways to go forward from here. And that, my friends, is the only direction to go.

One Step At A Time

2008-2009 in Review

I sometimes think that I'm too nostalgic for my own good. It's hard not to be, with the past year's worth of my life packed away in boxes around me, and the aroma of summer wafting in through the windows. I figured I'd give my nostalgia a break today and let it take over as I take the past 12 months into consideration.

Freshman year was not exactly the time of my life. After suffering through a depressing fall semester (let's just say the football team was the least of my worries) and a taxing second semester (20 units, 16 of them technical), I was just about done with life at this point last year. Summer vacation couldn't have been any more welcome.

My self-confidence looking much like an all too enterprising, yet not astute enough forest critter in the middle of an interstate, I set off with my family on a 3 week vacation to the Philippines to recollect. Somewhere between traversing the beautiful scenery, reconnecting with family I hadn't seen in 8 years, and taking care of a days-old puppy, I began to realize "Hey, maybe my life's not complete shit after all". I definitely flew those 10,000 miles back with a slightly bigger smile on my face.

With this renewed sense of self, I went back to Berkeley to hit summer sessions hard. The first thing I did was define a set of goals to reach by the end of the year (which might be a subject for a future blog post =D). I then resolved to never again be lazy in my life. I realized that being lazy meant I had one excuse or another not to do something; therefore, I figured out that to be productive, I had to eliminate all excuses against its accomplishment. Yay outsmarting myself!

During the Fall, the challenge was a little different. It was more about gaining better confidence in the things I have to say. The process started at TA-OP and E190, when I realized that, hell, even I had things that people were interested in listening to (who would have thought a compulsory writing class would be so influential to me?). But throughout the year, I began to be less and less concerned about how stupid or how dumb the things I said were, and more about what saying such things did. This even spilled over in my socializing, as I began to get to know more people through an increased confidence in just striking up conversation (yes, I have poor social skills I know, but that is a story for another day).

This past spring semester was kind of a weird mix of things. On the one hand, it is the hardest I ever worked in my life (400 hours of CS150 are you kidding me? vs. 1 all nighter a week the semester previous). On the other, it was a lot about polishing up the social end of things. Throughout the semester, I made new friends in places I had never looked before, and got to know the ones I already had better (PR-COMM 09 ALL THE TIME!). My social skills are definitely better for the effort I've been putting into refining them; having a certain someone reprimand me for slipups certainly helped too(you know who you are =P. I really mean it in all honesty btw). Despite the fact that I probably put in much more time to school than to just hanging with people this semester, I definitely think the social end of things had more impact on me.

It seems to me that every year, there's sort of a theme to the things I improve about myself. This year, it was confidence. Confidence in the things I had to do. Confidence about my relationships to other people. Confidence in my own value. I definitely think I am a much better person than I was a year ago. I talk to people differently. I walk around campus differently. Hell, I even smile in photographs differently. I feel so much more alive than I did a year ago and I don't want to go back. Who knows what next year's theme will be: all I know is, like this year, I should take it one step at a time.

No Regrets

WHOADAVIDHASABLOG!

Hey guys! So as you can see, I finally decided to get a blog. I've been meaning to write a journal for some while now, but decided a blog would be much better; why not share your thoughts with actual people right?

In any case, I got this blog because I've been meaning to keep some sort of record of my goals and accomplishments. You see over the past year I've been on a little quest to get rid of all the things I didn't like about myself. Whether it's small things like catching up to my generation's music or big things like getting some sort of direction in my life, I've been tackling it all - one step at a time. And, as with any quest, things happen along the way that warrant retelling, and that's what this blog is for. That and to refine my rapidly declining English skills caused by a lack of social contact and an increasing use of mathematics as a native language (oh Berkeley Engineering...)

Ultimately, these little things add up to my two biggest goals in life: to become a better person everyday, and to die with no regrets. So here's to every step I take, and may they all be in the right direction (or at least their vector sum should be in the right direction...)

One Step At A Time